If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
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You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?