At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
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Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
m’lady
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.