[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
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Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Said the murderer.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.