Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
the three branches of government
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*