I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
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marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My dog learned how to text
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?