If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
You Might Also Like
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.