The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
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I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!