if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
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What about a To-Don’t List?
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.