Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
You Might Also Like
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*