“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
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My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.