cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
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doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Hard not to take this personally
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw