There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
You Might Also Like
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”