*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
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my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
The USS B port
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Name another movie that mislead you?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.