Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
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Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
my astrological sign is a french fry
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”