Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
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“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality