Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
You Might Also Like
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”