“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
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My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
cat vs inanimate object
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.