I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
My birthstone is kidney
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Oh my God.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.