A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
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I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I am HOWLING at this
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
wait.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a