confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
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Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke