I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
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Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.