Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
You Might Also Like
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Hello Twits.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park