The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
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‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.