*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
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Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.