celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
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My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.