The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
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awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what