My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
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People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.