[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
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How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”