If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
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At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Worth remembering.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?