Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
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[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Sponch
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Not today.. 😂
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.