Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
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After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Britain be like
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird