Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
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police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
gm
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.