The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
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My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Who says great literature is dead?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
At least he brought enough for everyone
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
the red hot silly peppers