I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
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Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I’ve been drinking.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Alexa: *deep breath*
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.