Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
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*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
That eye roll….
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.