Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
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Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
3% human
97% stress
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.