Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
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Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.