non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
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My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
He wanted to make sure😂
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
seems fine
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.