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Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
The answer is funnier than the question
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw