Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
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I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.