my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
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My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
The devil.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Who did it better?
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.