My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
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Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
He died doing what he loved: being alive
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
#JohnTravolta
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again