ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
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Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*