INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
School be like
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.