It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
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ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Reporter: *ports again*
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I ate everything, including the H.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.