To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
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It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
me hitting on a model
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication