You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
β€οΈπ§‘ππππβ€οΈπ§‘ππππ
You Might Also Like
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
βYou do realize, thatβs completely idiotic, and makes no sense at allβ¦Right?β
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
this is funnier than any friends episode
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Marriage vows are all about βIn sickness and in healthβ but I didnβt know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
My toddler growls every time someone says sheβs cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Me: Howβs it going?
Coworker: Canβt complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
If a CW wonβt take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why Iβve been asked to visit HR βfor a chatβ this year.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat