Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
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Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!