Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
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When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Good dog. ❤️
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.