[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
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but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.